i wanna feel guilty

i like being sad. i like having something wrong with me. i like knowing there is something i can point to that explains why i am the way i am. what a horrible thing to want and i wish i was guilty for wanting it but i am not. every part of my being is still 17 and i am still angry. i carry her with me and she will die inside of me because she desired more.

“i wanna feel guilty. i wanna feel that its wrong. i want to know peace again, wanna sing a different song”. i am reminded of a quote that says “but what does death mean to eve who knows no such thing” and i think of how could i have ever known peace when i have spent my life like this. i grew up a sad girl and i will nurture her forever until one day she feels okay, but what if i dont want to feel “okay”? what does okay mean to someone who has never known peace. ive never felt okay truly and maybe i wont allow myself to because secretly im scared to lose all ive ever known. ive lost so much, i am so angry, i cannot lose whatever is left of me.

so yes i like being sad. i want to feel guilty. i am bipolar and thats “okay”.