healing and moving on

theres something interesting about coming back to north carolina, last time i was here i had just ended a relationship i never thought i would move on from. i was sickly heartbroken and inconsolable. i never thought i could sit on the same porch again and live to tell the story of how i moved on.

in a lot of ways it took just growing up and quite honestly getting mad. angry at the way i was treated, angry at the way i allowed myself to be treated, angry at how long i stayed, angry of all the friends i lost along the way. then one day you just sit back and take a deep breath. its not a calming breath its a sobbing uncontrollaby for months, talking to mom and mental hospitals, throwing up in the kitchen sink, type of deep breath. that you will get through this because you must. then youll get angry.

ill downplay it in my head it wasnt all what it seems but ill remember everything it was all real to me.

dont forgive yourself, youll tell them. that they dont deserve to. youre sure they have moved on but you still think they should think about what they did to you every day of their life. “i hope you regret it forever! i hope you never know peace! i hope the memory of me haunts you forever!” youll give it all up and youll throw it all out. youll say karma is coming for them and in a lot of cases thats true. then one day indifference hits you.

what most people dont know is that hate is not the opposite of love, indiffernece is. to be able to sit on the same porch i did all those nights ago and tell you that i feel nothing about the girl who broke my heart and how i survived when i thought i never could. it gets better. youll one day look back and sit on the same bench see the same sky and hear the same birds and it will feel like the first time you ever heard birds chirp and see the rain fall.

because sometimes life is dreadful and yet it will still move on. even if you cant you will, you no choice. time will never stop passing and life will not wait for you. thats when you begin again.