i feel bad when i say how unfulfilled i have been recently in life. i work long days just to get by with impluse purchases and utility bills and nothing ever seems to feel enough. i dont feel enough. i wish i was good at something, i keep telling myself one day it will come to be in hopes to combat my fears that it never will. i have never been great at anything in life just mediocre and “okay”. i sometimes feel scared at times to try my best at fear that even my best is just not good enough. i dont know why i am the way i am, i dont know why i care so much im literally 20. but i care so much and so deeply about everything its exhausting and i dont get enough sleep because i have to keep working and if i keep at it i think im going to go insane genuienly.

ive been doing well on the sides of lashing out and exploding on others, for the most part its just a mental war of flashing lights and colors and horrible dehumanizing thoughts about myself, but im happy sometimes i swear i am. im just lonely. i feel so alone in my thoughts and my life and i have ever since she died. life can never go back and it feels like i cant move forward and i dont know what to do. so tomorrow i will go to work and i will smile and i will say good morning and i will be okay because i have to. i have reached a state of functioning to where i am fine like truely ill be okay but genuinely i have never felt more not okay, simply because i dont really know whats wrong. i dont know how to fix it and maybe i never will, maybe life is just about little bumps of happiness and overtime at work and maybe when i find my people ill feel more at home. i miss having a home and a life. i miss the girl i used to be but i dont remember her face anymore. i dont know who i am and thats okay i just want to be okay, but im not but maybe thats okay too.