force feeding

lately, i’ve been forcing myself to write, and it just leaves me feeling worse. i wish it came naturally again. i feel like i’m running out of things to say, or maybe just running out of the energy to say them.

the more i open up to people, the less alone i feel, which is both comforting and terrifying. i see my own experiences mirrored in theirs—our stories overlap in ways that make me feel seen, but sometimes that scares me. sometimes it makes everything i’ve gone through feel less significant. like the pain wasn’t really that bad if so many people have lived it too. like maybe this is just life—and if it is, i hate that.

i don’t want to accept that this is it. i want more. i know that so much of what i want is within reach—on the other side of a clean room, folded laundry, a functioning routine. but i’m so depressed that i’m back in survival mode again. i’m not living, just performing basic functions. barely.

sometimes i wonder if there’s something deeper going on—like maybe i’m not just unmotivated, maybe i’m truly struggling in a way that has a name. i keep thinking about adhd, how often the signs match up, and i wish i could just get help. a diagnosis. something that tells me i’m not just lazy or broken. because it feels like more than me.