captive by you

the chains never really left. i thought when you were gone i would finally be free, that i would stop glancing over my shoulder for the shadow that used to follow me everywhere. for a while i convinced myself i was happy. i told myself i was free, free to laugh, to be young, to waste nights and call it joy.

but freedom has its silence, and in that silence i began to miss you. i missed the comfort of your presence, the way you seemed to keep track of me even when i didn’t want you to. i missed your watchful eyes, your nearness, the strange safety i felt when you marked me as yours. i even missed the chains you wrapped around me, though i once swore i hated them.

sometimes i wonder if i will ever break free of them, and secretly i hope i never do. the thought steadies me, like a weight pressed into my chest, reminding me i still carry something of you. it feels almost holy, this captivity, as if holding onto your chains is the only way to hold onto you.

maybe i will remain bound forever. but you will never know. you walked away and left me here, captive not to your hands but to the memory of you, and sometimes i think that is the crueler prison.