wanting more, a soft ache

theres something about wanting more and the human soul that needs to be studied. why i feel the need to seek more life, joy, freedom, laughter, sadness. i have spent so much of my life yearning you would think i missed the good years and some i definetly did, because i am so desperately trying to find out who i am and who im supposed to be. when did that stuff start to matter anyways. since when did i become so obsessed with the idea that there even is anything else out there. what if this is it? and if this is it why am i so unhappy? the truth is im functioning, i go to work, i go home, eat, sleep, repeat. i see my friends, i get drunk, i talk to girls, i call my mom. nothing changes, but maybe this is the peace i begged for. maybe im being ungrateful, maybe i truly am the problem, but i dont think i am. i just want to be something, but i just feel nothing, trying so hard to be someone new.

if i were to write a letter to future me when she finds more i would simply ask if it made all the bad things go away? was it everything we were looking for? if not tell me a lie where it all went right, where i feel i no longer have to fight, how its easier to stay alive. maybe then i can take flight, find a me who knows who to be. no longer shy away from the things that scare me.

i just hope theres more out there and i pray i find it one day and all will be okay.