he is stable, you are deep

i wanna feel guilty. and trust me i do. i feel awful everyday. i cant escape you i see you everywhere, i dream about you. i distract myself with new people to drown out my lonliness and exhaustion but in everything i loves theres pieces of you i find shattered and i hold them like evidence but theres no one to blame for this but me. i keep asking myself whats wrong as i follow your shadows down my halls of haunted memories of us. i cant eat. i cant sleep. i take whatever lifts the quiet. then wake to the same small ruin. sober. medicated. catalogued in therapy notes. the pills and talk dont hollow the ache. they only make me sit with it straighter. i keep replaying the part where i failed. the echo wont forgive me. the love i held is a room with its light still on. no one living inside. how do you unlove someone you never properly had. how do you close a door that was never quite open. we stood so close our shadows braided. now i worry our story ended in the doorway. i follow those shadows like a guilty pilgrim. holding broken things up to the light. i keep confessing to the silence. confession is the only grammar i know for grief. now your gone but your clothes still hang in the closet. so much left unsaid. so much love spilled through my hands. we are january and december. stitched at the edges yet galaxies apart. i will never let you go. you are carved into my lungs. the air you once gave me still lingers. i breathe it like prayer. grief has no ending. so i keep you in the marrow of my silence. and mourn you forever. pushing it down and praying.